Emotions
By Hawke Darkblade

Reprinted with permission.
Added 07/19/2002.

He sat quietly on the dew covered earth, surrounded by the tall trees of the forest. The multi-coloured leaves were scattered all around him, heralding the beginning of the new season. A few birds chirped cheerfully, and the sun trailed faint light through the trees, but they did not drown out the sorrow in his heart.

Tears flowed freely down his cheeks as he held a parchment, written in a delicate hand, to his heart. He had sat here for hours, reading the same lines over and over, and had memorized each and every word, each and every inflection that was meant to be portrayed by the words.

He turned his head slightly, eyes shut tight, closing off the flow of tears, and wiped his face with his hand. "This can't be happening." He thought to himself. "My heart, my soul, and... and." His thoughts trailed off, as he wasn't able to coherently focus them.

Suddenly he stood up, anger filling him, rage taking his very soul. He balled the parchment in one hand, and slammed his fist into the nearest tree. His fury made him powerful, as the blow shook the tree, raining leaves down upon his head.

"Enough of this!" He shouted to the forest.

He opened his hand to see the crumpled parchment ruined beyond recognition. He sighed wearily and let the pieces of the parchment fall from his fingers to the forest floor.

"What am I saying?" He mumbled to the ground. "Is there no room in my heart for..." His thoughts trailed off again, and he dropped to his knees on the forest floor, carefully, delicately picking up each piece of torn parchment, until he realized what he was doing, and stood up. He let the few pieces drop once again, and started walking into the forest.

Removing his spear from his pack, he walked along a scarcely-used trail, and jabbed his spear into every tree he passed. These were not the actions of a Paladin, perhaps not even the actions of a sane man, but one who was driven.

He walked and walked, North, deeper into the forest, and the ground gradually became harder, and the snow started falling softly. The trees became sparser, as the forest began to break up, making way for the more rugged terrain of the mountains.

There, at the edge of the forest, he stood looking out into the wilderness. He watched the snowfall, and the pristine landscape. The sun was high, and there was not a cloud to be seen. The light reflecting off the newly fallen snow was strong enough to make him flinch, and divert his eyes. He took a deep breath, and exhaled trailers of warmth into the day.

Suddenly he felt alive again.

He belted his spear onto his pack, and started climbing the rugged slope to the peak of the nearest mountain. He trudged his way up for an hour, to find himself standing at the edge of a great crevasse splitting the land, as if some huge being reached down with its hands and ripped the ground open.

He stood there at the edge, and looked across the great gap, wondering what it would be like to plummet from such a height. His thoughts turned towards another time and place before his resurrection, where he lept from another great height, for another reason.

The good feeling went away as fast as it had come.

Slowly, he removed his backpack. He adjusted each and every piece of armour, so it would be perfectly placed on his body. He removed his gauntlets from his backpack, and carefully slipped one on his left hand. He slowly placed the other one on his right hand. His face betrayed no emotion, it was as cold as the ice which surrounded the landscape.

He removed the final piece of armour, his helmet, from his backpack, and placed it ceremoniously on his head, belting the leather strap under his chin. He looked perfect, everything was in place, all as it should be.

He unbelted his shield and spear from his pack, and strapped the shield into place. Slowly, he picked up his spear, and saluted the mountains with it held across his chest.

He looked down into the crevasse...

***

The snow fell heavilly in the mountains north of Arwic. The great rips and rends in the earth caught the wind and howled as strong as a pack of wolves seeking their prey.

Hawke looked around at the landscape, looking for the person whom he had been summoned to help. His good friend got word to him not an hour ago that he was delayed in Kara, and had no way of getting help to his friend Nicola. She was stranded somewhere in these mountains, near one of the precarious rifts outlying the Horde Nest.

"So where is she?" Swann asked, arrayed in her brightly burnished purple armour. She stood five feet away, surveying the bleak landscape. She was on a hunt with Hawke when the summons came, and as usual, he went off on some fool's errand, to help anyone and everyone. She had decided to come along, as she had nothing better to do that afternoon.

"You never fail to drag me from the warm locales to the ends of Dereth where the sun never shines." She smirked.

"So its cold, deal with it." He mocked with a wry grin.

They had always had this friendly badgering way between them, but it was all in fun.

"Lets find this Nicola and get out of this forsaken place" Swann sighed.

"What does it look like I'm doing," Hawke jested, "taking a nap? I'm trying to find her tracks. She's around here somewhere and..."

He was cut off by the roar of a pack of Mattakars that echoed from the mountains nearby.

"That came from just over this ridge," Hawke shouted, "Come on!"

They burst into a run, their boots digging deeply into the newly fallen snow. The going was made difficult by the terrain, but they crested the ridge just in time to see a sight they were prepared for.

Three Greater Mattakars were charging a woman, as she held her ground, bow pointed directly at them. She stood not one hundred feet from the beasts, and quickly fired arrow after arrow into the pack. Two fell to her swift shots, but the third was too fast for her, and reached her just as she nocked another arrow.

It reared up, claws preparing to maul her, but she was ready, and fired her bow point blank, which would surely have been an instant kill, if it wasn't for fate.

The crack of the shaft breaking signified a misfire, and it couldn't have come at a worse time for the archer, as the Mattakar came down, claws swiping at her, rending a huge gash in her shoulder and sending her sprawling in the snow many feet away.

"Now!" Hawke shouted, as he and Swann charged forward, weapons ready.

The archer lay in the snow, red trailers of blood streaming from the Mattakar to her final resting position, as the huge beast surged forward to finish her off. Its fatal mistake was not to notice the two warriors rushing in on either side of it, Hawke thrust his spear into the side of the beast, goring it, and Swann slashed at its neck, leaving it headless and hurling the corpse to the ground.

The body of the beast thudded to the ground, taking the two warriors into the snow with it. Hawke stood up, and brushed himself off, looking towards the wounded archer. Swann stood up, muttering to herself about cold, snow, and fools, while she cleaned off her blade, and replaced it in its sheath.

"Nice shooting." Hawke said as he made his way towards the woman to bind her wounds. "Let me fix that gash." Hawke knelt beside the archer, and cautiously moved aside her braided hair from the wound area. As he cleaned the archer's wound, and bandaged it, he noticed her long auburn hair, and the unmistakable face of the person whom he had been sent to rescue.

"Well met, Nicola, I am Hawke Darkblade.", He paused as her eyes widened in surprise. "I was sent here to bring you back to Arwic, the place where our mutual friend said you would be safe."

"Oh, so thats how you know my name," Nicola said, and grunted as Hawke tied off the bandage tightly.

From the corpse of the huge Mattakar, Swann removed Hawke's spear, as she watched him talk quietly with the archer. Swann cleaned off the spear, and recovered the archer's bow. Then she walked towards the two, shaking her head, thinking "Here we go again..."

"Ah, well now, all fixed up and ready to travel," Hawke said, as he smiled disarmingly at Nicola. She smiled back, and then looked around for her bow.

Swann strode up to the pair, and handed the bow back to the archer. "A fine weapon," she said, "Too bad for the misfire, or you would have been able to kill all three before they touched you."

"As for you," she grinned mockingly at Hawke, "Your spear, M'lord."

Hawke rolled his eyes, and helped Nicola get up out of the snow. He leaned forward to help brush the snow off her, but thought better of it, and grinned back at Swann, taking his spear. "Thank you M'lady." he replied just as mockingly.

Nicola eyed the two, and thought they were both crazy. But they did save her life, for that Mattakar would surely have finished her off in that last charge. "Thanks for helping me out, but its cold, and I would like to return to Arwic to rest for the night."

"Get it in gear, Hawke," Swann said as she smacked him on the shoulder, "and lets get her back to Arwic."

Hawke looked at Swann, "Yes your Majesty. Whatever you say will be law." He mocked.

Swann kicked him in the posterior, and he shouted, "Allright already. I was just joking with you. Did you suddenly lose your sense of humor?"

"I am freezing out here, and I want to go back to Qalabar", She said seriously.

"Allright then," Hawke replied just as seriously, "Lets open a portal and get Nicola safe to Arwic so we can complete our task."

Swann began the incantation to summon the portal, and Hawke looked at Nicola. His thoughts turned towards another time and place, where he had first met someone else, and his brow furrowed in confusion. Nicola turned towards Hawke and looked at him, but not before he could quickly avert his eyes, and look at the portal forming near the trio.

He couldn't help himself, he looked back at Nicola and smiled as they made eye contact. She smiled back, a small smile, but one that filled him with confusion. Why was he having such thoughts again, when he had vowed never to have them?

A cough interrupted his thoughts, and he quickly looked towards the source. The portal was formed, and Swann was standing there tapping her foot.

Hawke blushed brightly, and to hide his face he quickly slid on his helmet. "After you, M'lady." He said to Nicola. She nodded and walked through the portal. Hawke specifically did not look at Swann's face as he strode through the portal, for he already knew what he wound find there.

The three arrived at the outskirts of Arwic, and Swann began her incantation to summon a portal to Qalabar.

"Take care, M'lady, and if you are ever in need again, don't hesitate to ask. It would be my pleasure for us to hunt together sometime, if you so desire. Keep safe, always." Hawke said to Nicola.

"Thank you again for your help." Nicola replied quickly, and strode off to the Inn for the night.

Another cough, and Hawke turned towards the newly formed portal. "I will see you later," he said, "I'm going to go hunt the countryside for a while. You know how I love the crisp mountain air."

"Well come to Linvak with me, we can venture out from Qalabar." Swann said.

"Thank you, but I'll just hunt alone for a while, take care, and I will see you soon." Hawke said.

Swann shook her head once, and frowned as she walked through the portal.

For many minutes, Hawke stood in that place, wondering what had just transpired. The brief meeting with the archer had stirred emotions in him he thought were long gone. Emotions he thought he wouldn't have for anyone again.

He looked up at the sky, the setting sun casting trailers of orange light across the bustling town of Arwic.

"Bah!" Hawke spat towards the town and turned on his heel, heading towards the mountains, to begin an evening hunt. "Never mind this," he thought to himself, "I have more important things to do." He began the trek which he hoped would bring peace to his thoughts.

***

Even while recounting the past, and his first meeting with the woman, he had not diverted his eyes from the crevasse, or moved an inch. He stood resolutely, emotionless, peering into the abyss which stood between here and eternity.

It seemed he still had not decided whether to send himself away forever, or to continue hope that one day she would return, and they would know such happiness that people had dreamed of all their lives, but never had.

"I love her." He finally admitted to himself. The pain of these words brought confusion to his eyes, but still they did not divert from the abyss. "How is this possible, when I vowed never to love again."

His mind took a step forward into the crevasse, but his body did not respond. His body stood frozen there at the edge, and would not go forward.

"I don't know what to do.", he whispered to the chasm.

"Be at peace with yourself." A female voice whispered back.

Suddenly he was the warrior once again, taking a quick step back from the gap and turning quickly to see nobody near him. Flinging his helmet to the ground, he scanned the area once again, looking up into the sky, and down into the crevasse, and still he did not see anyone.

"Who are you?" He asked as he knelt in the snow, tears beginning to form on his face.

"I am a friend." The voice whispered. "Know that I have your best interest in heart, and that I will always be there to help you if I can."

"Please tell me what I must do?" He begged, tears flowing freely down his cheeks.

"I cannot." The voice whispered. "You must decide that on your own. But before you can decide the fate of others, you must first decide your own. Do nothing in haste, be at peace with yourself. Only then, can your mind be fully focused to discover the true feelings behind every thought."

"There is only one place I can do that, M'lady, or whomever you are." He whispered back. "I must return from whence I came."

"Then do so, as it is your destiny." The voice whispered, as a red portal opened up beside him.

He wiped his eyes, and was filled with a new determination. Fear was gone, sadness was gone, indecisiveness was gone.

"Please give these to those who are needy, and require them for their livelihood." He said, rising quickly to his feet, and stripping himself of his armour and weapons. "I don't know who you are, or where you come from, but you are wise, and I sense your honesty. I charge you with the task of telling my friends I have left. Please tell Volick I shall forever be in his debt, and a truer friend, I could never have. Tell Terra that I will miss her, and always thought of her as a kind and honourable soul. Tell Swann that I shall miss her wit and sarcasm, and the banter that we always shared. Tell DrFeelgood that a more noble soul, I have never met, and the goodness in his heart is only outweighed by the generosity of his deeds. Tell Kikyo that I have always thought her a kindered spirit, and I hope she finds the true love that she so richly deserves. Tell Warrior Princess that she is as wise in the ways of the heart, as she is accurate with her bow, and I hope she too finds her love. Tell Sphinx that his guidance and friendship was one that only he could have my loyalty as Patron."

With that, he paused, and swallowed hard. He reached into his pack, and withdrew his one, most sacred possession. It was the solidified heart of a Granite Golem. On it was chisled an inscription, which read; "Every heart I find, I will give to you in the hopes that someday my heart will be yours." He clutched it to his chest, and whispered to the voice, "Lastly, and most importantly, Tell Nicola that I love her. Now and forever. If one day I have her heart, she will know that she always had my heart, and soul."

He took one last look around, and whispered, "Farewell Dereth.", clutching the Granite heart to his own. He stepped through the portal.

***

The crimson portal winked into nothingness behind the Paladin, leaving only an array of discarded weapons and armour, along with a few trinkets in a backpack.

The golden-clad figure strode towards the equipment and bundled it up, placing all of it in the pack, knowing that it will be returned to the one who truly needed it, when he returned.

"You will come back one day Hawke, I know it. It is your destiny." She said, and walked towards the forest, leaving the yawning chasm lonely in its desolation.

The final light faded from the land, and the stars shone down as beacons in the night, providing hope to all the people of Dereth. There was always hope.